Funny Anecdotes

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Funny Anecdotes: The page contains a list funny, humorous, clever, or inspiring anecdotes. They are short stories used to improve speeches, remarks, essays, toasts and articles. They are great for speakers and writers to use in conclusions, introductions or to prove a point. These funny jokes could be used for speeches or writings about religion, Christianity, Judaism, sexuality, gender, war of the sexes, differences between men and women, Adam and Eve and more. If instead, you're interested in deep and thought stimulating anectodes, check Profound Anecdotes.

On secrets / on suspicion / on expectations / appearances can be misleading

During the Cold War, Soviet Union spy satellites were fixed on the Washington DC area. The Russian military analysts spent day-in, day-out analyzing the photos. One day, some of the Russian analysts noticed an intriguing trend while watching the Pentagon. The Pentagon is shaped like a five-sided donut, with a courtyard in the middle. In the center of that courtyard was a building that seemed of extreme importance. All day long, from early morning until late in the evening, military officers from all the services, of all ranks and specialties, would exit the Pentagon and hurry straight to the building at the center of the courtyard. The officers would approach the buildings, speak with someone inside, quickly hand them something and hurry away, carrying some sort of small items. Intelligence analysts examined the photos closely. What sort of highly-valuable information was being exchanged in this top secret nerve center at the very center of the Pentagon? It must be extremely important because service members of every rank flocked to it day after day. Believing it was a Top Secret vault of confidential information, the Soviet Union considered it a top priority to figure out what was being hidden there but they were never able to discover the secret. Today, we can finally reveal the actual purpose of this important facility at the center of the Pentagon. It was a hot dog stand.

On dealing with difficult people / on mistaken identities

Albert Einstein was frequently asked to speak at dinners, social events and other gatherings - a practice which he did not care much for. One evening, his chauffeur was driving him to another speaking event and Einstein complained that he was tired of the speaking engagements. His chauffeur happened to look very similar to Einstein and suggested that since he had heard Einstein making his speech so many times, he could deliver the speech instead and Einstein could relax. Thinking it was a great idea and eager to see if the chauffeur could pull off the lark, Einstein agreed. At the dinner, Einstein took the chauffeur’s hat and coat and the chauffeur entered first, shaking hands and greeting the hosts. At dinner, the chauffeur gave a nearly perfect rendition of the speech while Einstein sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur even managed to answer some basic questions that Einstein frequently received. Finally, a man with an arrogant and belittling manner asked a question, inserting his own ideas and opinions into the question so the audience would be impressed that he knew so much. The chauffeur waited until the pompous man has finished his speech and said, "The answer to that question is so simple, that I will allow my chauffeur who is sitting in the back, to answer it for me."

On philosophy / on academics / on identity

The German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer was visiting a greenhouse one day and was brooding as he contemplated a plant. A botany student noticed his intense interest in the plant, his scholarly appearance and his studious manner and assumed he must be a specialist. The student approached him and breathlessly asked, "Who are you?" The philosopher turned and looked at the young man for moment before replying, "If you could only answer that question for me, I would be eternally grateful."

On contentment / on materialism / Buddhism jokes

In a Buddhist monastery at the very top of a mountain lived an old, beloved senior monk. It was the old monk’s birthday and all the junior monks wanted to give him something really special for his birthday. They sat together and brainstormed. “Our brother monk doesn’t eat rich foods. He eats only rice and vegetables. He drinks only the tea from the monastery’s garden. He wears only his robes. He reads only the sacred texts and he is already content with just these things. Whatever could we get him? He wants for nothing!”.

Finally the monk’s birthday arrived and the young monks sheepishly told him, “We wanted to get you something very special for your birthday but we just didn’t know what to get.” The old man smiled and said, “So what did you get me?” The monks hung their heads and said “Nothing.” The old monk’s eyes lit up and he joyfully replied, “Just what I’ve always wanted!”

On optimism / on misunderstandings

President Ronald Reagan's son told this story about his father. "(Ronald Reagan) was, as you know, a famously optimistic man. Sometimes such optimism leads you to see the world as you wish it were as opposed to how it really is. At a certain point in his presidency, dad decided he was going to revive the thumbs-up gesture. So he went all over the country, of course, giving everybody the thumbs up. Dory and I found ourselves in the Presidential Limousine one day returning from some big event. My mother was there and dad was of course, thumbs upping the crowd along the way, and suddenly, looming in the window on his side of the car was this snarling face. This fellow was reviving an entirely different hand gesture. And hoisted an entirely different digit in our direction. Dad saw this and without missing a beat turned to us and said, "You see? I think it's catching on."

On rude people / on witty comebacks

Winston Churchill was famous for his one liners, this one included. Winston Churchill was known for his occasional habit of drinking excessively. One night at a party, he shocked a rather prominent woman with his drunken outbursts. Insulted, she turned to him and said, "Mr Churchill, you are as drunk as a dog." "Madam," said the Prime Minister, "I may be very drunk, but you are very ugly. But tomorrow," he added, "I shall be sober."

On public speaking

When asked how he could be such an excellent public speaker, Winston Churchill told his secret to overcoming anxiety and not getting nervous about making speeches. “When I get up to speak, I always make a point of taking a good look around the audience. Then I say to myself, ‘What a lot of silly fools.’ And then I always feel better.”

On missing the point

One Saturday night, a man walked into a bar and ordered three pints of beer. Then he sat by himself at a table and drank all three. Afterwards he paid and left. The next Saturday he did the same and the Saturday after that. Finally the bartender told him, “You know, beer starts going flat after it’s poured. It would taste better if you ordered them one by one.” The man replied, “Oh I do it this way because of my brothers. We always used to sit and have a beer together every Saturday night. Now they’ve both moved away but we promised each other we’d all drink one for ourselves and one for each other so we can always remember each other.” The bartender thought it was a nice idea and over the years everyone got used to the man’s habit. One Saturday night, the man came in and ordered only two beers. The bartender paused. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” he said gravely. The man looked confused and then laughed. “Oh, no one died! It’s just that I’ve stopped drinking.”

On ineptitude / on staying focused on the goal / on efficiency

The government had a scrap yard of old, excess military equipment in a big empty area in the middle of some federal land. There was concern that someone might steal the equipment so they formed a committee to figure out a solution. They committee decide to hire a night watchman to keep an eye on it. But then they thought, "But how will the watchman know what to do?" So they hired someone to write the operating procedure on how he should do his job. But there was concern that the watchman might not follow the instructions properly, so the committee hired an advisor to evaluate how well the watchman did his job, and someone else to write reports to bring back to the committee. But the problem came up that there was no one to file the reports and do the administrative tasks. So the committee hired an administrative assistant to file the reports and a payroll clerk to do the payroll, and a senior clerk to check over the payroll plus a legal secretary to ensure that the office was run properly and an equal opportunity officer to be sure things were done properly and a safety officer and a planning chief and a training advisor and a senior supervisor to manage all the employees. The committee then received a memo stating their project had gone over-budget by $50,000! They had to cut costs so they decided to fire the most junior employee. They fired the night watchman.

On mistakes / on quality control /

At a monastery, several monks were pouring over ancient, early translations of Biblical texts and scriptures written by early church leaders and holy men. One of the monks became troubled when he came across a word that he thought had been translated incorrectly into newer versions of the texts. He went to the head monk to ask him about it. "I have found a mistake in the translations, Monsignor," the monk said. "Is it possible that there were other mistakes in the texts?" "No, no, of course not," the monsignor said. "This is just one case of a mistake. I'm sure everything else is right. Just continue studying the texts and you'll see what I say is true." But again the monk found a mistake! Worried, he decided to secretly study the tests by night to see if there were any other mistakes. After everyone was in bed, the young monk crept down to the library to read the texts. Far past midnight, the monsignor was startled to hear weeping in the library where the ancient texts were stored. Arising from his bed, he walked in to find the young monk in tears over one of the old scriptures. "My son, whatever is wrong!" he cried. The monk looked up and said, "I found another mistake! The word is celebrate, not celibate!"

On medical costs and procedures / on doctors / on dogs / on worrying

A man awoke to find his beloved dog in pain. She was moaning in pain. She refused to eat or drink. She rubbed her paws on her face and bellowed, then rolled onto her back. He was terrified! What was wrong with his dearest companion!? He loaded the dog into his car and drove to his veterinarian’s office as fast as he dared. He brought her into the vet’s office and set her gently on the table where she looked around glumly and moaned. “Hmm,” the doc examined her carefully. He offered the dog a squeaky toy, but she wasn’t interested. He offered the dog a big juicy steak, but she buried her face in her paws and wouldn’t eat. Finally he walked out of the room and came back with a cat. As soon as the cat saw the dog, it started to spit and hiss. The dog looked at the cat but didn’t sit up. Holding the clawing cat at arm’s length, he brought over and rubbed it on the dog’s back. The dog looked up at her owner in confusion. Finally the vet brought the hissing cat right down in front of the dog’s nose. The cat bopped the down on the nose, and the dog yelped but didn’t snap. Nodding to himself, the vet brought the cat out of the room. A moment later the vet was back with a pair of big tweezers. Looking inside the dog’s mouth, he pulled out a small sliver of wood that had jammed between the dog’s teeth. The dog wagged her tail and immediately snatched up the steak and ate it. The vet nodded then handed the man a bill for $3,060. The man took a look then gasped. “Doc, I’m so thankful you cured my dog, but why is the bill so high? It was just a sliver stuck between his teeth!” “I know it may seem high to you,” the vet responded but there is a very good explanation. First, it cost $50 for my exam. Then it $10 for the steak. And finally,” the vet said, “it cost $3000 for the cat-scan.”

On attitude / on optimism

President Ronald Reagan was known for his optimistic, joking demeanor but there were certainly times that attitude was tested. Only 69 days into his presidency, on March 30, 1981, President Ronald Reagan was leaving a speaking engagement in Washington, D.C., when he was shot in the chest in an assassination attempt. The president was rushed to the hospital for surgery. As they wheeled the conservative president into the operating room, he looked up at his doctors and nurses and said, "Please tell me that you are all Republicans."

On revenge / on jealousy / on attitude / on optimists and pessimists / looking on the bright side

A woman went to the salon to get a haircut. She was bubbly with excitement and the hairdresser asked her what all the fuss was. “I'm going to Rome with my husband," the woman gushed. "It's a lifelong dream! I can't wait!" Visiting Italy was the hairdresser's lifelong dream and she resented this woman's excitement. "Rome?" she said. "Why would anyone want to visit Rome? It's dirty, overpriced and crowded. You'll have a terrible time. So, how are you getting there?" "We're flying Air jet. We got a good price." "Oh no, not Air jet!" the hairdresser said. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, the food will make you sick and they always lose your luggage. Plus that airport is awful. The people are rude and the planes are always late. So where are you staying in Rome?" "We found a wonderful little hotel right near the Colosseum!" "Oh no, you're going to get ripped off you know," the hairdresser exclaimed, quite enjoying herself now. "The maids will steal your stuff as soon as you leave your room and all the hotels have bugs. And walking in that city will be terrible. It's so crowded and you'll be run over by those Italian drivers." The woman would not be deterred. "Well, we're going to go to the Vatican and maybe we'll be able to see the Pope." "Oh yea, right," the hairdresser laughed. "It will just be you and a million other people going to see the pope. You probably won't even get close enough to see him. Well, you'd just better hope this trip won't be as awful as I think it will." A month later, the woman came back for a trim and got the same hairdresser. The hairdresser asked about how the trip went. "Oh, it was so incredible," the woman said. "On the way over our plane was brand new and so comfortable. It was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. And the plane left early, can you believe it! Our hotel was so nice, all marble and pillars everywhere you looked. It was four-star and they gave us a discount! And Rome is so beautiful. The Colosseum and the forum! And the squares and the cafes! We had wine and pasta overlooking fountains and cathedrals, and visited palaces and museums! It was wonderful," she said. The hairdresser was now feeling very uncomfortable and she tried to regain herself. "Well, fine so it sounds like it wasn't too bad, but I know you didn't see the pope." "Oh! That was the best part! While we were in the Vatican gardens the pope came out to enjoy some sun. He looked right at me and gestured for me to come and talk to him! I couldn't believe it. So I walked straight up to him and shook his hand!" "Oh really?" said the hairdresser. "And what did he say?" The woman looked the hairdresser in the eye and said, “He asked me, ‘Who screwed up your hair?’"

On men and women / funny gender jokes / on attention span / on comparing yourself

The Human body is a truly amazing thing. If you want to know how amazing, just listen to these statistics! It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support three kilos / six and a half pounds. The average man's privates are three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women's attention spans are longer than men's. In fact, the women are still listening right now. The men are still busy checking their thumbs.

On men and women / on golf jokes / on NSFW jokes

A man who had been stranded alone on a deserted island for 10 years looked up one day and couldn't believe when he saw a speck on the horizon. He said to himself, because who else would he say it to, "That can't be a ship." As the speck got closer, he became more disappointed, for it was smaller than a ship. It got closer and he saw it was smaller than a boat. It got even closer and he saw it was not even the size of a raft. He thought, "Rats, that's just my luck." All of a sudden the speck stood up and walked on to the beach. It was a gorgeous woman in a wet suit. She walked up to him and asked, "How long has it been since you had a beer?" "Ten years," the man said. She unzipped a pocket on her wet suit and took out a cold bottle of beer and a bottle opener. He opened it and took a deep gulp. "Oh, that hit the spot," the man said. Then she said, "How long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "It's been ten years, and man does that sound good," the man said. Smiling, she unzipped another pocket on her wet suit and took out an expensive Cuban cigar and a lighter and gave it to him. He lit up and puffed on the cigar and grinning said, "That is the best cigar I've ever had." Now the women began unzipping the front of her wet suit. She winked at him and asked, "And how long is it since you played around?" Blinking back tears of joy the man gasped, "I'm the luckiest man alive! You brought golf clubs!"

On following directions / on conquering fears / on knowing what you’re signing up for / NSFW jokes

A tough, grizzled former Marine walked into a bar in the toughest part of town and ordered a whiskey straight. He saw a huge jar on the back counter stuffed with $20 bills. The bartender brought his drink, and the Marine pointed at the jar, which had to have had $10,000 in it. "Why do you have all that money in the jar back there?" he asked. The bartender looked the man over and thought to himself, another sucker! "Well," he said, "You pay $20 and if you can pass three tests, then you get to take that jar and all the money home." The Marine thinks, no matter what it is, I can take it! So he asks, "What do I have to do?" The bartender shakes his head. "You pay first." The Marine hands him a twenty dollar bill and the bartender takes a deep breath. "First, you have to drink an entire bottle of vodka in less than a minute and you can't cringe or take a breath. "Pah! That won't be hard," says the Marine, who has done his share of drinking in his days. "Next," says the bartender, "There's a German Shepard chained in back with a bad tooth. You have to pull that tooth out with your bare hands." The Marine chokes on his whiskey. "Third - There's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had sex and you'd have to go upstairs and take care of that." The Marine stares in disbelief. "C'mon now, that's not fair! You just took my $20. No one could do all that!" "It's up to you," the bartender says, "But that $20 is mine unless you do it." The Maine has a few more drinks, and starts thinking that it doesn't sound so tough. So finally he slams his glass down on the counter and says, "Give me that vodka!" He drinks the whole bottle down and doesn't grimace or spill a drop, finishing it up in 53 seconds! After a huge rattling blech, he staggers out the back door and the men inside cringe as they hear snarling and barking, followed by sounds of a fight, with yelps and yells, and suddenly - silence. They wait thinking the man must be dead. Finally the door smashes open, and the Marine staggers in, bloody and beaten back to the bar. His clothes are ripped and he's running with sweat. "Now!" he says. "Where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

On men and women / on relationships / NSFW jokes

One day, back in Biblical times, God was getting impatient for Adam and Eve to begin populating the earth. He called Adam to him. "Adam," God said, "Go into the Garden of Eden, find Eve and give her a big hug." Adam set off in the Garden, but returned soon after and asked, "God, what is a hug?" God explain and Adam set off again to find Eve. The next day, God again called Adam. "Adam, go into the garden, find Eve and give her a hug and a kiss." So Adam agreed and set off into the garden, but again he returned and asked, "God, what is a kiss?" God explained and Adam thought that sounded okay so he went into the garden to find Eve. The next day, God called Adam and said, "Adam, I want you to go into the garden, find Eve and give her a hug and a kiss, then I want you to go forth and multiply." Adam agreed and went into the garden. Shortly he returned and he asked God, "God, what's a headache?"

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