Speech one liners & jokes

When writing a speech for public speaking, it's important to have a good speech opener, a conclusion that is inspirational, funny or profound, and some jokes and humor. Here are some tips and ideas that will make your speeches memorable. Check out these one liners that can add comedy and humor to make your speech entertaining. No matter whether the speech is for a graduation, roast, wedding, retirement, or other special event, funny jokes are a must! These funny one liners can be adapted to use at the introduction, conclusion or body of your remarks.

The only good after dinner speech is when someone turns to you and says, "You leave the dishes. I'll do them."
A good speech should be like a comet: Dazzling, eye-opening and over before you know it.
I don't know how well I can do on the first two, so I'll try to achieve the third.
I always try to keep my remarks short. I remember the story of a man who shot a long-winded speaker. Afterwards, he went to the sheriff's office and confessed. "I just killed a keynote speaker," he said. The sheriff replied, "You're in the wrong place. You pick up the reward at the Bounty hunter's office."
I'll try not to talk too long. They say its best to leave your audience before your audience leaves you.
I hope my speech will keep you on the edge of your seats. Hopefully that will be because you're interested, not because you're trying to get up the nerve to leave.
I hope you enjoyed my speech and if you did not, I hope you had a good nap.
(For a roast) My friends: I know you too well to call you ladies and gentlemen.
(When addressing a small crowd or low attendance) This must be a wealthy crowd. Each of you bought two or three seats!
(When addressing a small crowd or low attendance) Well, the we may have a few empty seats, but its better for a full speaker to address a vacant hall than a vacant speaker talking to a full hall.
I always try to avoid giving advice during my remarks. As the little schoolgirl wrote, "Socrates was a wise, Greek philosopher who walked around giving advice to people. They poisoned him."
Being a good keynote speaker is the art of saying nothing briefly.
I'll try to keep my remarks brief. After all, it's said that most speakers need no introduction. What they need is a conclusion.
Each of us here has a job to do. My job is to talk and yours is to listen. The challenge is for me to finish my job before you have finished yours.
(If someone is taking photos in front) Wow, even here I can't escape the paparazzi.
Do you know the definition of an after dinner speaker? Someone who has been asked to say a few words and says too many.
A key note speaker is someone who is supposed to offer a few words and doesn't know when to stop.
Raymond Duncan once said, "If the speaker won't boil it down, the audience must sweat it out."
My speech will be like the latest fashion: long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.
(If speaking while people are eating) Please go ahead and keep eating while I'm speaking. I'd rather be eating cake right now too rather than listening to some boring speech.
I know that I'm a great speaker. I can say that because when I make a speech, as soon as I sit down, people say it was the best thing I've ever done.
Sometimes orators confuse the seating capacit of an auditorium with the sitting capacity of the audience.
(After a lengthy or flattering introduction) After that introduction, I just can't wait to hear what I'm going to say.
(After a lengthy or flattering introduction) After such a warm, generous introduction, I can only say thank you and I think you must have gotten the wrong guy.
(After an introduction) Thank you for that kind introduction. The person who introduces a speaker has a tough job. It's his job to let you know that the entertaining part of the evening is now over.
People say I'm a great speaker - in fact, they say I'm blessed with a golden tongue. Unfortunately, I left it in my other pants.
As S.S. Biddle once said, "A political speech pleases all. Those who agree with it think it over, and those who don't are glad it is over."
I won't speak for long on account of my throat. (clears throat) At my last engagement I talked too long, and someone threatened to cut it.
I do my best to prepare for speeches, and it's a challenge to compress all my points into something long enough to be interesting, but short enough so the audience won't fall asleep. Woodrow Wilson was once asked, "How long does it take you to prepare a ten minute speech?" "Two weeks," he answered. "How about a one hour speech?" "One week," he said. "What about a two hour speech?" "I'm ready now!" he replied.
Whenever I am invited to speak, I'm reminded of a famous anecdote. The master of ceremonies, upon introducing the speaker said, "Mr. so-and-so is our only speaker. The rest of the program is entertainment."
Some say that too many after dinner speakers makes people dull. I'd argue that too many dull people make after dinner speeches.
The problem with a lot of speakers is you can't hear what they're saying. The problem with others is that you can.
Every speaker has his moment. The problem is, most of them stretch it into an hour.
Speeches are like the horns on a steer. There's a point here and a point there, but in between it's mostly bull.
Graduation speakers like to begin their speeches by terrifying their audience by saying that they are just beginning their lives.
The best speech is one that has a great beginning, a memorable end, and not much in between.
A lecture is when you numb one end to benefit the other.

Did you like these speech jokes and funny anecdotes for speakers' introductions? You might also like the

following topics as well: Anecdotes for speakers and Sample Guest Speaker Introduction Speech.

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